What Is in Your Control and Why It Is Important to Know
What is actually in your control? Far less than you think, and that turns out to be the good news. I spent my rock bottom trying to run the whole world.
What is actually in your control? Far less than you think, and that turns out to be the good news. I spent my rock bottom trying to run the whole world.
Your actions, mostly. Your words. Your response to a thought, which arrives whether you want it or not, the way paint gets delivered to your door. What you cannot control is the weather, other people's opinions, other people's words, nature, or the universe arranging itself around you. When you are angry at somebody, it is usually because they are not thinking the way you think they ought to.
One thing to try: Take whatever is bothering you and put it in one of two piles. Then spend the day on the first pile only.
In this episode
(0:03) Trying to control the whole world, and where that got me
(2:50) What control actually means, and how little of it we have
(4:34) A thought is a delivery. You decide whether to use it
(5:43) Actions are the part you really do own
(7:33) Now the things you cannot control at all
(8:40) You can wish about the weather all you like
(10:24) Being angry that people are not thinking how you would
(15:57) Spend your time on the pile you can actually move
Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk
Thank you for listening.
Steven
The question this answers
What is actually in your control?
Far less than you think, and that turns out to be the good news. At my rock bottom I was trying to run the whole world, and getting furious that it would not comply.
The heart of it
Sorting what you control from what you do not is the largest single lever on suffering.
You cannot control a thought arriving. You can decide whether to use it.
When somebody makes you angry, it is usually because they are not thinking the way you think they should be.
Start with what is genuinely yours. Your words, mostly, once you stop answering out of habit. Your actions, mostly. And what you do with a thought once it turns up.
Your mind delivers thoughts the way a shop delivers paint. You did not choose the colour and you cannot send it back. What you decide is whether to open it.
Now the list of what is not yours, which is longer than anybody wants it to be.
This present moment. Once it is here it is here. You can dress for the weather, and you cannot argue with it.
The consequences of what you do. You can train for years, have the perfect bow, the perfect arrow and the perfect conditions, and a breath of wind takes it two inches off. The moment you let go it stops being yours.
Other people's minds, words, actions and feelings. All four. We tell ourselves we can read our partner, and what we actually mean is that we know how they ought to be thinking.
Nature is the one that gives the game away. I filmed some squirrels and put it online, and at no point did I ask them to turn round or pose or behave. I just watched. We manage that with a river and a squirrel and lose it entirely with a person, and other people are nature too.
One small thing to try
Take whatever is bothering you and put it into one of two piles. Mine, or not mine.
Then spend the day on the first pile only, and let the second sit there.
There is one more piece of leverage worth knowing. Where you put your weight shapes what comes next. Load up a thought you dislike and your mind will bring you more like it. Give it less attention and it brings fewer. So the one thing you really can influence about the next moment is what you are holding in this one.
Questions people ask
Is this just telling me to give up?
The opposite. It is telling you to stop spending yourself on the pile you cannot move, so that there is something left for the pile you can.
Can I control my emotions?
Not their arrival, no. You can decide what you do about them, which is a good deal more useful than it sounds. Desire and anger both turn up uninvited and neither one obliges you to act.
What about changing the past?
You cannot, and hindsight will convince you that you should have known. The only version of changing the past available to you is what you put into the next few minutes, which becomes the past soon enough.
Read along
The transcript
It follows the audio. Press any line to jump there.
acceptance · stress · anxiety · letting-go
Read the transcript
When I was really suffering in my life, and when I was really hitting my rock bottom, I was really
trying to control the whole world. I was trying to control every aspect of my life, and I was really
getting frustrated because it wasn't going the way I wanted it. And I think one of the things that I
found out... Really important that time was I wasn't in control of an awful lot. And deciphering the
difference between what I was in control of and what I wasn't in control of was really the holy grail
of reducing my suffering. And on today's podcast, I want to share some of the things that you are in
control of, what you aren't in control of, and also why it is really, really important.
So welcome to Stillness in the Storms. I'm Steven Webb, your host. And this podcast really just helps you to
see things a little bit different. And if seeing things a little bit different reduces your suffering, gives you a
little more inner peace, then it's working.
So a little bit about me. If this is the first time you ever heard my podcast, I'm paralysed just
below the chest. I've been paralysed since I was 18. I dived into a swimming pool and broke my neck.
And I'm also the Mayor of Truro, so I'm into politics. I'm also a local councillor.
Really I hit my rock bottom at the age of 40. And at that point, I set out to reduce
other people's suffering as well as mine. And I found ways of doing that and I share them with you
on this podcast.
On this podcast today, I really want to talk to you about what is in your control and what isn't
in your control. And this was really a huge eye-opener for me because I really
thought trying to control the world, trying to control everything, and because it wasn't going the way I wanted it,
that was what was causing most of my suffering. And it's quite surprising how much we're not in control of.
Let's face it, when you eat a donut, you you don't even control where the weight's going to go on.
Yet we're trying to control every everything We're trying to control everybody around us. We're trying to control our family.
We're trying to control the the political spectrum of the country. We're trying to control our local
community. We're trying to control our neighbours. And yet we don't really have that much control of our own lives
when it comes down to making decisions and things like that. It's really, really funny when you think about it.
But what is in your power? What is in your control? You know, Control means that you can have some
kind of influence over the outcome. And really, the ultimate control is you have complete control over the outcome. And
you're going to find out that we really don't have virtually any complete control over our outcome. We don't even
have control over our thoughts and our feelings.
And we have some control over our actions, but we don't have any control over where the actions go.
Like firing a bow and arrow. You can do all the training. You can do all the preparation. But once
you leave go of that arrow, that's it. It's up to the wind. It's up to nature. It's up to
everything else once you let go of it. So once that action is out into the world... What happens with
it is totally nothing to do with you or not in your not in your circle of influence anyway. Just
the same as you could replace that bow with something you say and Perhaps you say something to somebody and,
you know how how that lands, how they feel about it, where it goes, how it spread how the ripples
go. Totally not in your control. The only thing that was in your control was whether you should say it
or not. And that's it.
So yeah, what are you in control of? So let's start with that. You're in control of your mind to
some degree and a lot less than people thing Now then, you cannot control your next thought because if I
say to you, what's your next thought?
No, you don't know it until it's there. But once it's already there, you cannot change it. You can only
influence whether you want to stay with it or not. It's like someone delivering a paint to you. You can
decide whether to use it or not. Your mind delivers a thought. You decide whether to use it or not.
It's that simple. Your words. You do have pretty much total control over your words. That
is one place where you do have control. Albeit unless you're not consciously aware of what you're saying and you
just do it out of habit. Someone says, how are you go yeah, I'm fine. Did you consider that response
or not? You know, that's an interesting one.
Was it part of your conscious response? Or is it subconscious? Completely out of habit.
But that words are one thing that we can claw back and we can get to a point where we
can decide. Your actions. You do have control of your actions. You do have control over
what you're doing. You know, if I give you a hammer you have a control you have complete control of
what you do with a hammer. Whether you take it, whether you bang in a nail or you hurt someone
with it. So actions we do have nearly all controlled over unless it's subconscious. But
even then we can do exercise and we can practice to bring more of our, just the same as our
words, to bring more of our actions into the conscious realm so we're aware of what we're doing. So
when you get angry, you're not going to have an outburst of anger. Your emotions. Well, your emotions are not
an easy thing um I don't think you're in control of your emotions. You might have some influence over them,
but I don't think you're in control of them. You know, your emotions arise, just the same as your thoughts
come in. Emotions arise at any given circumstances. But what you do with those emotions, again, is up to you.
You know, you could feel an immense desire for somebody. You don't have to act upon it. You could feel
a real anger or resentment to somebody. You don't have to say something. You don't even have to let them
know, albeit it's hard to hide the micro body language, but essentially you don't have to
express your feelings in words or distinct facial expressions. Your
relationships. You have control over what types of relationships you enter. You do have control over the type of relationship
you're having you know Are you going to be in a loving relationship or are you going to be in
a
damaging relationship? Then you don't have control over how they bring stuff to the relationship, but you have control over
how you receive it or not you know Whether or not you stay in it, whether or not you accept
it, whether or not you have boundaries or not. So let's talk about the things we cannot control. So let's
talk about the things we cannot control. Because I think this is really important because we can always talk about
the things we can control. We kind of know them, but there's so many things we try to control and
we cannot. And this is where I think most of our stress, most of our anxiety and all comes from,
by trying to control the things we cannot control.
And and the first one is this present moment you You have some influence over what the present moment can
become in the next moment. But once this moment's here, you have no control to change it.
You know, if you go outside, you can't change the weather. You can decide whether to wear something appropriate for
the weather. But once it's here, once you're already in that moment, you can't change it. You can't
change that feeling it's arisen. You can't change that thought once it's there. So we cannot change the present moment.
That's really, really important because we try to all time I wish I wasn't here. I wish it wasn't like
this. I wish the weather was better. Oh, I wish I didn't feel like this. Well, you can wish all
you like. You're not gonna change it. Nobody's managed this. Nobody's got their Delorean time machine yet.
The
consequences of your actions. This is a good one. No matter how much you think you have something figured out
and how perfect you think your prediction abilities are, there is always something outside of your control. Put it
out there. Something's going to happen with it. You don't have any influence once it goes out there. We must
expect the unexpected because even under seemingly perfect conditions, we cannot control the outcomes. Like I said that
bow and arrow. We can spend years and years and years preparing for the Olympic Games. And the perfect bow,
the perfect arrow, the perfect weather. And we draw it back. And right at that moment, a nerve catches our
finger. Or it's the perfect, perfect as we possibly can be we
let it go. And that arrow
heads towards the thing. And then there's just like a little bit of wind or something. It just blows it
slightly off course. We knew it was the perfect aim. Nothing you can do about it. You weren't in control
of that little breath of wind or whatever. Other
people's minds.
This is this is funny because we think we can read other people's minds. We think we can read our
partners minds. We know what they're thinking. We don't. What it is, is we we believe they should be thinking
the same as us. Think about that for a moment when When we're angry with them or annoyed with them,
we're annoyed because they're not thinking the way we think they should be thinking.
You know, that's really, really important. You know, we don't have control over other people's thoughts. We don't have control
over our own thoughts, yet we seem to think we can influence and we can be annoyed and Like I
can't believe you think like that. I cannot believe that's the way you see it. You know, are you dumb
or whatever you know But yeah, we really get wound up by other people's thoughts, but we don't have that
influence over them. I told you last week, you know, I've said this so many times to you.
Well, you know, I tell myself loads and loads of times not to procrastinate, not to do this, not to
do that. And yet there I am still doing the same thing again and again and again. You
know, until we've got it all perfect, we cannot invite someone else to live the way we live. And that
may not be the answer for them anyway.
Other people's words, we cannot control what other people say you
know We
get really angry. You shouldn't have said that. How dare you say that? Cannot believe you said that to them.
Well, a
lot of the time it's out of habit and we don't really we're not constantly aware of what we say
You know Other people's actions and you know um their reactions to things, we're not in control of it. You
should not have done this. You should not have reacted in that way. Well, they probably know that now when
things have all gone wrong, but we don't have that influence. What someone else chooses to do or how they
react to something that you choose to do it's ultimately outside of your control. It really is.
Other people's emotions, we cannot. We try this all the time in relationships, don't we? We try to help someone
to love us or help someone to feel at ease or you know whatever We try to influence how other
people feel. Of course, it's noble. You know, we want someone to love us or we want someone to love
the world and feel more empathy and compassion. We want someone to feel good. We try to influence
their happiness genes or happiness hormones, whatever you want to call them.
You know, we don't have that much influence. We don't have control. We maybe have a bit of influence. You
know, if I say something quite nasty, I can change the way they're feeling pretty damn quick. But
I don't have ultimate at control because they could choose to ignore it.
Nature is something we cannot control. We can have influence over, perhaps we could water our garden and hopefully the
grass comes up or whatever we're trying to water it for. But
then again, if it doesn't grow, we don't have the huge amount of influence, the weather and everything else. But
we can just do our bit. And nature is the funny one because we don't try to change nature. We
can sit there and I shared on my Twitter yesterday some squirrels I was filming. And just watching them. I
was just enjoying watching them. I wasn't trying to change them. I wasn't like I'll turn around this way and
do this or pose for me or what are you doing? I was just allowing it to be. Just the
same as the river. Just allowing the river to be.
So, you know, we don't try to change nature and we're relaxed with that. That's okay. That's fine. That's what
we need to do with other people a little more. We need to realise that other humans or just nature.
Same as that squirrel. We expect too much of others. We're not perfect ourselves. We're struggling
ourselves, yet we expect other people around us to be perfect with us. The universe as a
whole, we can't control planets and alignments and all these things. You may try to influence it. When
we are five years old, we may lie in bed and close our eyes and go, I want it to
rain today or I want this to happen or I want this to happen. That's happened. And if it did
happen we go yeah, I did that. I'm magic. No, you didn't.
No, you didn't. It's just coincidences. That's
the reality. We we think we have some influence over the universe around us. We really don't. The other thing
is past and past and future You know, we're still trying to change the past. We
don't have any controlled over the past. The best way of controlling the past is make sure the immediate future
is about responding and about the way what you want to bring into it. And then that new future becomes
the past.
You know, we think with hindsight that we should have known better. We should have done all these things differently
and everything like that. We blame people for getting it wrong.
You know, we just don't have that much control. This is a whole podcast just to tell you you don't
have any control. But
I will, you know, let's turn it around a little bit. You have some little control, yet you don't have
great power over, you know, liberating yourself by realising what you don't have control of. You can spend most of
your time focused on what you do have control of. Your words, your actions, the way you can influence people
around you, the way you can influence life, the way you can influence your feelings and thoughts. If you focus
on negative thoughts, when they arise and you put all the weight on them, or when a feeling arises that
you don't like and you put all that weight onto it, your body and your mind will give you more
of those feelings. If you don't put that much weight and you don't put that much focus on them, it
won't give you them much more. And that's the simple thing. So you can influence what comes next by
focusing on what you focus on in that present moment. You know, if you focus on peace. Ah, just
a deep breath. The next moment is going to be a little more peaceful.
And that's the holy grail.
You can focus on what you want in the next moment. You may get it. You may not get it.
Just don't get attached to whether you get it or not.
You know, I'm Steven Webb and that's my podcast this week. Just, you know, focus on more on what you
are in control of and you're in control of very little this is stillness in the storms and, you know.
You can get all my meditations from stevensmeditations.com and there'll be a link there to the apps and you
go in there. There's also a little course in there as well of how to change your negative bias, negative
mindset bias and have more positive life and a positive outcome and live a little happier. That's all part of
the app. So yeah. So stevensmeditations.com. Take care guys. I love you
and thank you. If you if this podcast does anything to help you in any way, please share it with
your friends. Please send the link out. Do whatever. And above all, just am I in control of
this moment? Am I trying to control something that I'm not in control of? But you are in control of
heading over to stevensmeditations.com. Take care. Bye.
